Dashing for Dollar$

when dreaming of my perfect career as a younger gal it didn’t involve driving my car all around kingdom come (where exactly is that?) delivering all manner of fast and slow food to hungry, lazy folks. especially as I approach my 60th year of life. yet here I am, scheduling dashes (which I must remember to do as I’ve lost my privileges as a “platinum dasher” when I can “dash now” anytime I want to). besides being able to work at will I haven’t found many other benefits after watching countless hours on YouTube by enthusiastic dashers. of course Doordash will trick you into thinking you’re getting extra benefits, like when you call customer service and they thank you profusely for being a platinum dasher (I admit I fell into the trap and felt myself feeling proud and better than those peon regular dashers). then I met a regular dasher at a restaurant who told me his acceptance rate was only 19 percent (you have to have an acceptance rate of 70 percent to be platinum) what that means is that they send you loads of crap orders like “drive 15 miles for $2.50” or “do 3 shopping orders (simultaneously) for $15”. bottom line…doordash ALWAYS wins. I feel like I have a video game for a job. I hear the “ping” sounds in my sleep. it was hard to let my rating go though as I declined crappy order after crappy order, watching my rate go down. they even give you a second chance, “are you SURE you want to decline?” they say and the lower acceptance rate is in red, indicating danger. but I got brave and now mine’s down to 40 percent. I try and only take orders that are at least $7 and ideally $1/mile. I’ll bend the rules if it’s a pretty drive in the country or a restaurant I particularly like, where the food is ready or close to ready, the people are nice and I can torture myself with the delicious aromas of mellow mushroom pizza or a perfectly cooked steak. they also usually produce higher tips. I try to make it fun and carry a plethora of multicolored sharpies and write cute notes on the bags. my latest creative project is writing something like, “have a marvelous Monday!” or “have a terrific Tuesday!” if I’m delivering to a high school kid I might write “have an awesome day!” but it backfired once when I thought I was delivering to a teacher and went all out with little doodles and even taped a fresh flower to the bag. imagine my (and his) surprise when I handed said bag to a lanky high school boy surrounded by his buddies. oh well, kindness is always a good thing and I’d rather err on the side of mushy niceness than the boring old plain bag. plus, it amuses me. I could write pages (and probably will) about the stories of the situations I find myself in, the ungodly amounts of money and miles I put on my lil Prius that is still owned (to the tune of $14k) by Toyota financial corporation. of the things we dashers find to be strangely true…like if you get an order for cases of water, beer or soda it’s going to go to a 3rd story apartment building. but it’s good cardio and I can count my steps. it’s not a dream job by any stretch of the imagination but it’s something I can do on my own terms. my favorite mind game is to wake up every day and say, “I can take the day off if I want!” and I curl back into bed or do an extra half hour of sun salutations and then, when my scheduled dash time arrives I usually talk myself into working anyway, but I get the delicious feelings of having the day off. and these bills ain’t gonna pay themselves! I have no benefits, no health insurance, I pay for my own gas, oil changes and car maintenance and am supposed to be putting money aside for taxes (I did until I needed that money) but I use an app to track my miles and am praying to the dashing gods that come tax time I won’t have to pay too much to the man. I apply for “real jobs” all the time, even though in 2025 the minimum wage here in North Carolina is $7.25 (yes, you read that right) and there are lots of jobs, even menial ones, that this child of the 70s and 80s has phased out of thanks to AI. I’m sure there will be robots delivering food before we know it, I know there are self driving Ubers in LA (creepy!) so why not food? some of the more interesting dashes I’ve had were delivering a big sub sandwich to a stripper at “savannah’s gentleman’s club.” poor thing looked starving and I was happy to oblige. who wants to tuck dollar bills into a hangry stripper’s hot pink thong? there was the time I got lost in a maze of projects and a gaggle of kiddos led me around and helped me find the right apartment. one man messaged me that the note on his bag made his day and I thought hey, maybe we need an app that combines dating and food delivery! some people leave special instructions on their delivery preferences like, “please don’t ring bell or knock, dogs will go nuts!” I love seeing all the dogs and cats and horses on my routes. the man who ordered bud light and cigarettes with a pitbull, the lady with 5 cats who got very vocal as I delivered their fancy feast. my latest favorite assignment was to the tractor store that reminded me of going with my dad when I was a kid to get hay and feed for our menagerie. I love the smells and the interesting characters. she had ordered multiple bags of 40 pound bird and dog foods and it happened to be 100 degrees that day. I was doubting my ability to carry it all having broken my back in 2014 in a drunk idiot trampoline accident (I’m healed now but do experience pain every day) but have been working on my strength and flexibility and trusting my own awesome body. I did, of course, hope that some cute strong farmer would meet me at the house and help but alas, no farmer to be found. so I remembered my hours of training as a cna (lift with your legs, carry close to your body) and I did it and felt quite proud (and a little bit sweaty). I recently met a dasher who was going to nursing school, who said she’d been doing it for 7 years and also gave me a load of invaluable tips and tricks (forget the acceptance rate!) if she could do it that long than surely I could manage it for another 2.5 years when my social security will kick in and I can take the measly $800-$900 a month and “retire” (work less). and I’m working on a writing career with the help of my brilliant sisters and mom and friends and fabulous kids. my own band of angels. and who knows what magic will happen in that time? remember covid money?? that was unexpected! but in the meantime I will continue to dash for dollars and be grateful that I’m strong and focused enough to do something that yields $10-$30 an hour, depending on the time I put in, the weather and the almighty algorithm. the freedom is worth the hassles. I’m babysitting my granddog, Sosa, this weekend while my daughter goes on a work trip to Florida and just remembered I didn’t schedule more dashes. I checked the app and alas, there are only a few measly hours left so I scheduled a handful but am honestly excited to spend more time with Sweet Sosa in nature. dash on, dash on, dash on till your dreams come…true!